a new lesson

time 12.3o pm. i have to attend an exam in the next morning. at this moment i learnt a entirely unfamiliar new lesson. A BLIND HOPE CARRIES ALL THE  RISK OF BEING HOPELESS. then why do i still cling to the emptiness. why do i keep on searching for atleast a single live cell out of those long incinerated ashes. perhaps thats what is called being an emotional fool, yes, foolish enough to peek into her life when i’m unwanted over there. foolish enough not to perceive the spreading void despite all that has happened. foolish enough not to give away when she needed me no more, when they (she says its only HE, huh!! does that make things any better?) wanted me no more, when i knew perfectly well that it can never be the same again. why dont i just walk away……. what more do u want? more turmoil, more pain, more suffering. why should i use her now?? we can never be the free fresh teenage pals again. its always sane to leave her life alone…… but what kind of stupid fondness is holding u back. can u listen to it “U ARE NOT WANTED THERE“. accept the fact and step aside. it can never be the same….. stepping out of ones life isnt bad……. it just means that your journey with her had to end there. i’m perfecctly clear about the road i’ve taken…….. and perhaps she feels the same……. the only difference is that she took the road i haven’t took.

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

The last day of the year

this might be pain, this might be failure, this might be incompatibility, this might be incapability. may be i’m bad, may be i’m useless. EMOTIONAL ADROIT!! may be that was self-proclaimed. may be i’m neither emotional nor adroit. my mom feels i’ll be happy if she dies……… may be she has every right to think so. tears!! may be these tears rolling over my cheeks are merely because of a trivial eye disease. may be all this pain i feel is merely a pseudo sensation, a phantom limb, afterall. probably i’m senseless, senseless to love, useless to live.  may be this is a suicide note. or may be i’m not brave enough to die. i’m useless enough to avoid everything! let alone death!!

i just hate her damn it!!

this is the worst problem I’m facing! it may seem silly & pointless. but i’m really suffering. i dont need her to embrace me when i have problems……. but i don’t want her to be a dirty unsolvable problem amidst my stresses, either.

i feel exactly the same…….just as the picture shows. i hate feeling as THE GIRL IN THE CASE. i wanna come out of it. i dont want this stressed out situation in life. i dont want to be under the same roof with two people who always make my heart sink. I HATE THEM.  but i dont want to. i dont want to bother about them. i want to accept the fact that they are born like that. but it always hurts me. i love my dad. i wanna stay with him. but i dont want these 2 people in my life. i wanna quit them. i cant do both. for me being mentally healthy, i need to leave this roof as early as possible ( for which i’ve already made some arrangements) so i lost the precious chance of being with my dear dear dad. even after this i cant quit them. whenever i meet my dad i need to go to the place where these people live. i just hate it!! but couldnt solve it……. couldnt avoid it……. couldnt come out of it……….

i have an exam tomorrow & this is the state of my mind now. this has been continuing almost since 3-4 hrs. and this is the reason i hate her……..

MY PASSION.

time 12.00am. and i’m stressed out. i feel weak. no. whats this?? there’s nothing lost…… its ok. ICAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. YES I CAN. I WILL. I NEED TO. C’MON APARNA! GO AHEAD.

Its my passion. a genuine passion will never leave the task undone. MINE IS A GENUINE PASSION.

just leave her alone!

I am starting to hate my mom!! WHY? WHY SHOULD I HATE MY MOM??  just because i need an element to blame. thats ruthless!! i wanted her to love me……. express it correctly. but now its not the case. i’m already burnt. i’m stressed out and fatigued. i just need some care and concern. my soulmate is all my comfort. i couldnt pester my dear friends now, at this time, when they themselves are being tossed by their own busy routines. i dont even want to disturb my own dear person. but what can i do except that? thats a bit complicated to explain……. perhaps its the intangible but transparent abstractness of the deep human emotional bonding!!

but i need my home to be supporting and comfortable. if not everything, atleast my parents have to be supportive! THIS IS WHAT I FEEL. and its neither a rule nor a phenomenon. then why am i so very irritated with my mom? Aparna, this is weird, cruel, ruthless, illogical. its not her fault! rather, it might be ur own fault. dont expect anything out of her. JUST LEAVE HER ALONE.

u don’t love her?? its ok. its not a sin. and not that she should be supportive to u, even if she doesnt love u she’s  not at fault. may u don’t deserve it, may be she doesn’t think u deserve it or probably she doesnt deserve it…….. or all these may confound with each other. choosing your society is at your will. everything in ur life is YOUR CHOICE, except your parents and your children.

you hate others poking their noses into your affairs. u love your independence……. freedom of thought &  freedom of action. thats your nature. if u respect yourself and if ur nature, then extend it to others. dont try to modify your mom…… dont expect anything out of her. JUST ACCEPT HER AS SHE IS. thats what u expect others to do with u……. THATS THE THING U NEED TO DO TOWARDS OTHERS.

at this point of time, expecting anything about my children who are not even born will be ridiculous! but my dad…… he’s awesome!! i need to count on this gift. i need to be happy about it.

about my soul-mate…….. i can expect anything and everything. afterall, he’s the other part of OUR EXISTENCE. however, i accept him; not modifying him or getting modified for him. this is how i’m connected to my soul-mate.

my friends!! my best friend allows me to be anything but unhappy. she’s an angel of friendship….. my lucky charm…… my dear dear sweet little chum. as for sam, i dont know. i tried to step away from her life. i wanted her to be happy. but i couldnt let her go. the small tiny thread of a genuine longing affection is holding the relation. i know, its sometimes overwhelming….. sometimes awkward…….. sometimes glorious…….. sometimes stupid…… sometimes comforting….. sometimes hurting……. sometimes materialistic (me using her in every wordly way, possible!! how disgusting i’ve become!!! this is the strongest reason for why i hate myself)…… sometimes abstract!! what does this relation mean?? i dont know. why does she still value such an invaluable??  i cant interpret. how long can this delicate thread of genuine carry the vast void in the empty, tentative conversations……. i dont even want to know.

my mom!! why should she love me? what have i done to her? even if i did anything, why should she reinforce it?? my mom & me are two DIFFERENT people with extremely different mindsets. its the reason she couldn’t understand me. perhaps, i didn’t understand her. its the mind that has to give the access into the inner-self. our mindwaves are not even comparable or compatible. so she cant know me. and i may not know her either. its just a fact. the best way is to ACCEPT IT. ours may not be the typical bonding most of the people describe. afterall she’s my mom!

mom, i'm still not happy about the fact that we are not similar. we may not be able to love eachother. but, i wish we accept eachother WHOLLY. Is that too much to ask for?

Is this what i am??

let me guess what i am…….

this is the result of a personality test i undertook a few days back.

Openness		70%
Conscientiousness		64%
Extraversion		40%
Agreeableness		44%
Neuroticism		55%

Openness Imagination Artistic Interests Emotionality Adventurousness Intellect Liberalism

Conscientiousness Self-Efficacy Orderliness Dutifulness Achievement-Striving Self-Discipline Cautiousness

Extraversion Friendliness Gregariousness Assertiveness Activity Level Excitement-Seeking Cheerfulness

Agreeableness Trust Morality Altruism Co-operation Modesty Sympathy

Neuroticism Anxiety Anger Depression Self-Consciousness Immoderation Vulnerability

Trait Explanations

In order to interpret your raw trait scores, they were compared to the first 350,000 people to complete the full My Personality Big Five questionnaire. This allows the way that you described yourself to be put in the context of how other people respond to the questionnaire. You should remember that there are no fundamentally good or bad personalities, as each trait description has potential advantages and disadvantages. To help you reflect on these, you have also been given some questions which ask you to consider the implications of your trait descriptions. Other people viewing your personality profile will not be able to see these.

Openness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 42% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is aware of their feelings but doesn’t get carried away with their imagination either. You might say that you embrace change when it is necessary while still resisting it when you think it is not, and that beauty is important to you, but it’s not everything.

Reflective question: When do you think that tradition is important, and when is it time for change?

Conscientiousness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 54% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is random and fun to be around but that you can plan and persist when life requires it. From your responses it appears that depending on the situation, you can make quick decisions or deliberate for longer if necessary.

Reflective question: How do you go about organising your workload?

Extraversion

is this me!!?

This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 11.5% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is quiet and somewhat withdrawn. Your answers describe you as someone who doesn’t need lots of other people around to have fun, and can sometimes find that people are tiring.

Reflective question: How do you like to spend your spare time?

Agreeableness

This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 8% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.

Reflective question: When others are experiencing problems, what do you do?
Neuroticism (Emotional stability)

This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life’s demands. Approximately 78.8% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is generally calm. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can feel emotional or stressed out by some experiences, however your feelings tend to be warranted by the situation.

Reflective question: Which situations make you feel under pressure and which situations do not?

Jungian Typology Estimate

Research has found that the Big Five personality traits are significantly related to Jungian Typology (e.g. the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). This is a popular alternative personality framework regularly used for personal development, in which Types are used rather than Traits. Based on your Big Five trait scores, your estimated Type is shown below (if you have already taken a Jungian Typology test and got a different result, this can be changed from the More Options section).

ISTJ

Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging

ISTJs thrive on organisation. They keep their lives and environments well-regulated. They bring painstaking attention to detail in their work and will not rest until satisfied with a job well done. ISTJs are faithful, logical, organized, sensible, and earnest traditionalists. They earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Shutting out distractions, they take a practical, logical approach to their endeavors. Realistic and responsible, they work steadily toward their goals. They enjoy creating order in both their professional and personal lives. ISTJs are persons of thoughts and (sometimes) emotions. They prefer dealing with the present and factual, using various options to make decisions.

IS THIS WHAT I AM??

Being ME includes being what I expect myself to be

A new week again. i dont understand why time flies away soooo fast when i need it the most!! atlast i think i kinda started being near to something called RESPONSIBLE. i should admit, i’m glad with it, if not overjoyed. this kinda feeling always intoxicates me and makes things worse!! lets see what would happen next! i wish i’ll do it well. after all, ITS ABSOLUTELY NOT ENOUGH.

Let me wish!! a strong determination can reveal the true ME

APARNA, its the power in you that has to make this struggle end in a placid way….. the struggle for earning the designation as a DOCTOR. its not just a target…….. its not just a desire…… its not just a wish…… its not just a dream…….. ITS YOUR PRIMARY NECESSITY, ITS YOUR DESTINY, ITS YOUR WAY OF LIFE. its not just because its a respectable profession that I’ve chosen it. there’s something much beyond these worldly reasons……  its much more abstract that cannot be understood unless it’s felt. all this is my destiny. something planned for me, something designed for me. its something life gifted me with. now its my turn to get it going, to make it splendid, to internalize it and make it my own way. APARNA, mind you!! its just in your tiny little hands TO MAKE IT OR BREAK IT!! i have to choose wisely, not between the choices, for that’s sooo sooo crystal clear, its between actions intended to lead to the right choice. I’LL DO IT. I CAN DO IT.

its my duty, its my profession, its my passion. ITS MY WAY OF LIFE.

All the frustrations are to be kept aside while the working week. i know i’m not a machine, i know i feel and i cant stop feeling…….. but i have to keep all these aside and thats what is the emotional intelligence……. hope i’ll use, rather expliot it.

I desperately wish to please myself and for that I HAVE VERY VERY SHORT TIME……. LESS THAN A MONTH……. ONLY UPTO 6TH NOVEMBER, my birthday. i think i cant cerebrate my birth if i don’t find a purpose in my life…….. being honest to myself….. being true to my childhood dreams…. being responsible about my goals, plans and destinations.

SETTING STANDARDS IS NOT JUST ENOUGH. Don’t stop after the target is set…….. just hit it hard……. hard till the end of your strength, hard enough to reach the place where your dreams exist, into the dark deep skies.

A WAY THROUGH THE WOODS

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village, though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost

DO I FIT IN THIS WORLD??

back to my emotional independence again!! i just love  it…… ya its a happy fact to mention; except for the saddest part that I’m starting to hate ‘much‘ of the real world…… rather the existing world. my studies, career, personal satisifaction, my achievements which have to be actually and literally APPEAL to me……….. all of these are important. but now i’m keeping all these aside.

its something that has been bothering me ever since i was a flamboyant yet an innocent girl in my early teens. its perhaps one of the most complicated thing that brilliant philosophical minds have been brooding over again and again since humans started evolving into something called humane! i mean, whats wrong yar!! why is there such a vast void between truth and reality. i know, i know…. we were taught ever since we were babies that truth is reality and reality is truth. but excuse me!! now its an open question……. how much of truth u find in the vast beautiful world standing out there?? some poets have dared to say the most beautiful things are almost always unreal! is this so??

now my problem is that i see people, i observe people. I’m notorious for not being polite (i should admit, I’m not really polite if i don’t like to be. courtesy and convention failed to hold me under control! perhaps a manufacturing defect, i guess!) but, I’m not sure how efficient, i usually draw some conclusions out of their body language and some of the insignificant conversations, but a well practiced disguise can bluff me, after all I’m not a professional!

now what i see has become my problem. i see people inside out and the saddest part is that their inside is something that is no way similar to their outside……. and the most miserable thing is that is is a unanimous universal truth accepted by everyone on earth and the pity of it is that it is considered normal!!! so….. what does this imply?? AM I ABNORMAL?? that’s my bloody problem……..

if its all about THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST….. then i’ve started feeling that I DON’T THINK I FIT IN HERE…….. IN THIS VOID FULL OF PRETENSE…. THESE EMPTY EMOTIONS.…. THESE PLASTIC SMILES……. THESE FAKE EMOTIONS AND AFFECTIONS

i just want something genuine…….. nothing but A GENUINE AND TRUTHFUL REALITY…. just like i have my soul-mate…. like i have my bunch of honest friends…… just like i accept myself……. just like i project myself to the society.

i want neither sympathy nor sacrifice…….. neither courtesy nor convention….. neither popularity nor priority……. ITS ONLY SOME GENUINE RELATION I’m asking for…….. whether its by being my friend or foe…… i don’t mind either, but just be clear to what category u fit into.

IS THIS TOOOO MUCH I’M ASKING FROM WORLD???? IS THIS SOOOO VERY ABSURD TO ASK FOR??? IS THIS SOOOOO IMPOSSIBLE TO FULFILL????

A Sunday again!

its not silence....... its guilt.

ya, its sunday……… a sunday which is a loooooooooooooooooooong after the previous post. the blog is a sort of my entertainment. that means i’ve not taken my share of entertainment for a long time. why did i do that. yes i know the answer and i’m sooo ashamed to admit it. its not because i’m deprived of anything… its only that i didnt even deserve it. 6 days of my focussed attention on my goal deserves this treat…….. not me anymore.

what have i been doing all the time. this is ridiculous. APARNA!! u really lost me. oh my god!! i feel soo wretched….. shattered. where am i?? i could see the intense passion……. passion to please myself with my goals. i almost forgot the feeling of self-satisifaction and self respect!! this feels horrible. i cant spend my time grieving over the shattered ME. i’m a DOCTOR. its not easy. i have to earn it. i first need to heal and repair myself. i know i can heal myself well.

nobody can make u feel inferior unless u allow them.

After a very looooooooong break!!

it has been a long time really! but afterall, its I ME MYSELF. I can excuse myself.

all these days, i’ve been trying to cope with myself. someone told its a feeling called ‘wanting to run away’. ya. thats what it is. and u know what! i really RAN AWAY!! no. not from my ownself. u know, APARNA can never do that! but circumstances demanded me to run away….. so i ran away from the circumstances! thats it. and u know! i’ve already started feeling better. just some simple adjustments in my lifestyle……. not for anybody but myself.

its freedom from my deep boring distress

i usually hate that library atmosphere. i feel like reading some interesting stuff over there…… something like a newspaper (only IF its interesting), a magzine, & more preferably something like a scientific journal {u know! my first love is neurology…….. and its charm fascinates me more & more with each passing day! i really want to be obsessed with it…… but a medico has many many things to handle, not just  a textbook on neurology} but dwelling upon my acedemic subjects!! no way! i love to sit & lie & stand & walk…… in my room, books spread around me… and if i feel bored i listen to music a but now i started to spend nearly 3-4 hrs in the library.my target is to stay from 4-8pm in the library and make the most of it.

i’m approaching naer my target gradually…… ofcourse, with some lapses. so most of my time i stay in a place where nobody can hurt me…… in my college….i have a greatest advantage with this place. the people close to me never ever tries to hurt me and the people who try hurting me… i dont give a damn, they r absolutely NOTHING to me.

i really feel relieved. if i’m not fully satisified with my world, atleast i’m not unhappy…. i’m able to smile, laugh enjoy the pleasure of living. thats what i crave for and i’ve got it!

now i want to be satisified with myself. i have a lot of SELF ESTEEM…… It means I respect myself a lot.so if there is sooo much respect……. it means i just cant have it as it comes.. i really need to earn it.

i believe in 1 thing for sure. if u want a right.. u need to take up some responsibility……. and if u r  taking up a responsibility, u have every right to demand ur genuine rights. thats how this goes. its the balance that is really significant here. and if there is any imbalance that leads to all the chaos.

now as per the importance i give to myself, i’m bound to be responsible…. bound to be worthy…. APARNA! u dont need to do a donkey’s work. work like a computer…. accurate, fast, energetic and focussed for sometime… darling! its u who is operating ur system……. ur biological system…… ur own brain. APARNA! believe me!! i’ll never let u to become hanged.(in sense of computers)

my main complaint with myself is INDISCIPLINE. Its not about breaking rules…….. its about breaking the rules repeatedly and reguilarly i set for myself when i really really do not want to.just look at urself.

• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG

its not imposition, its an inspiration, its a determination, ITS A DECISION, A DECLARATION I MADE TO MYSELF. i’m gonna implement it this week.

all the best darling………… dawn like a beautiful morning