Being ME includes being what I expect myself to be

A new week again. i dont understand why time flies away soooo fast when i need it the most!! atlast i think i kinda started being near to something called RESPONSIBLE. i should admit, i’m glad with it, if not overjoyed. this kinda feeling always intoxicates me and makes things worse!! lets see what would happen next! i wish i’ll do it well. after all, ITS ABSOLUTELY NOT ENOUGH.

Let me wish!! a strong determination can reveal the true ME

APARNA, its the power in you that has to make this struggle end in a placid way….. the struggle for earning the designation as a DOCTOR. its not just a target…….. its not just a desire…… its not just a wish…… its not just a dream…….. ITS YOUR PRIMARY NECESSITY, ITS YOUR DESTINY, ITS YOUR WAY OF LIFE. its not just because its a respectable profession that I’ve chosen it. there’s something much beyond these worldly reasons……  its much more abstract that cannot be understood unless it’s felt. all this is my destiny. something planned for me, something designed for me. its something life gifted me with. now its my turn to get it going, to make it splendid, to internalize it and make it my own way. APARNA, mind you!! its just in your tiny little hands TO MAKE IT OR BREAK IT!! i have to choose wisely, not between the choices, for that’s sooo sooo crystal clear, its between actions intended to lead to the right choice. I’LL DO IT. I CAN DO IT.

its my duty, its my profession, its my passion. ITS MY WAY OF LIFE.

All the frustrations are to be kept aside while the working week. i know i’m not a machine, i know i feel and i cant stop feeling…….. but i have to keep all these aside and thats what is the emotional intelligence……. hope i’ll use, rather expliot it.

I desperately wish to please myself and for that I HAVE VERY VERY SHORT TIME……. LESS THAN A MONTH……. ONLY UPTO 6TH NOVEMBER, my birthday. i think i cant cerebrate my birth if i don’t find a purpose in my life…….. being honest to myself….. being true to my childhood dreams…. being responsible about my goals, plans and destinations.

SETTING STANDARDS IS NOT JUST ENOUGH. Don’t stop after the target is set…….. just hit it hard……. hard till the end of your strength, hard enough to reach the place where your dreams exist, into the dark deep skies.

A WAY THROUGH THE WOODS

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village, though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost

DO I FIT IN THIS WORLD??

back to my emotional independence again!! i just love  it…… ya its a happy fact to mention; except for the saddest part that I’m starting to hate ‘much‘ of the real world…… rather the existing world. my studies, career, personal satisifaction, my achievements which have to be actually and literally APPEAL to me……….. all of these are important. but now i’m keeping all these aside.

its something that has been bothering me ever since i was a flamboyant yet an innocent girl in my early teens. its perhaps one of the most complicated thing that brilliant philosophical minds have been brooding over again and again since humans started evolving into something called humane! i mean, whats wrong yar!! why is there such a vast void between truth and reality. i know, i know…. we were taught ever since we were babies that truth is reality and reality is truth. but excuse me!! now its an open question……. how much of truth u find in the vast beautiful world standing out there?? some poets have dared to say the most beautiful things are almost always unreal! is this so??

now my problem is that i see people, i observe people. I’m notorious for not being polite (i should admit, I’m not really polite if i don’t like to be. courtesy and convention failed to hold me under control! perhaps a manufacturing defect, i guess!) but, I’m not sure how efficient, i usually draw some conclusions out of their body language and some of the insignificant conversations, but a well practiced disguise can bluff me, after all I’m not a professional!

now what i see has become my problem. i see people inside out and the saddest part is that their inside is something that is no way similar to their outside……. and the most miserable thing is that is is a unanimous universal truth accepted by everyone on earth and the pity of it is that it is considered normal!!! so….. what does this imply?? AM I ABNORMAL?? that’s my bloody problem……..

if its all about THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST….. then i’ve started feeling that I DON’T THINK I FIT IN HERE…….. IN THIS VOID FULL OF PRETENSE…. THESE EMPTY EMOTIONS.…. THESE PLASTIC SMILES……. THESE FAKE EMOTIONS AND AFFECTIONS

i just want something genuine…….. nothing but A GENUINE AND TRUTHFUL REALITY…. just like i have my soul-mate…. like i have my bunch of honest friends…… just like i accept myself……. just like i project myself to the society.

i want neither sympathy nor sacrifice…….. neither courtesy nor convention….. neither popularity nor priority……. ITS ONLY SOME GENUINE RELATION I’m asking for…….. whether its by being my friend or foe…… i don’t mind either, but just be clear to what category u fit into.

IS THIS TOOOO MUCH I’M ASKING FROM WORLD???? IS THIS SOOOO VERY ABSURD TO ASK FOR??? IS THIS SOOOOO IMPOSSIBLE TO FULFILL????

A Sunday again!

its not silence....... its guilt.

ya, its sunday……… a sunday which is a loooooooooooooooooooong after the previous post. the blog is a sort of my entertainment. that means i’ve not taken my share of entertainment for a long time. why did i do that. yes i know the answer and i’m sooo ashamed to admit it. its not because i’m deprived of anything… its only that i didnt even deserve it. 6 days of my focussed attention on my goal deserves this treat…….. not me anymore.

what have i been doing all the time. this is ridiculous. APARNA!! u really lost me. oh my god!! i feel soo wretched….. shattered. where am i?? i could see the intense passion……. passion to please myself with my goals. i almost forgot the feeling of self-satisifaction and self respect!! this feels horrible. i cant spend my time grieving over the shattered ME. i’m a DOCTOR. its not easy. i have to earn it. i first need to heal and repair myself. i know i can heal myself well.

nobody can make u feel inferior unless u allow them.

After a very looooooooong break!!

it has been a long time really! but afterall, its I ME MYSELF. I can excuse myself.

all these days, i’ve been trying to cope with myself. someone told its a feeling called ‘wanting to run away’. ya. thats what it is. and u know what! i really RAN AWAY!! no. not from my ownself. u know, APARNA can never do that! but circumstances demanded me to run away….. so i ran away from the circumstances! thats it. and u know! i’ve already started feeling better. just some simple adjustments in my lifestyle……. not for anybody but myself.

its freedom from my deep boring distress

i usually hate that library atmosphere. i feel like reading some interesting stuff over there…… something like a newspaper (only IF its interesting), a magzine, & more preferably something like a scientific journal {u know! my first love is neurology…….. and its charm fascinates me more & more with each passing day! i really want to be obsessed with it…… but a medico has many many things to handle, not just  a textbook on neurology} but dwelling upon my acedemic subjects!! no way! i love to sit & lie & stand & walk…… in my room, books spread around me… and if i feel bored i listen to music a but now i started to spend nearly 3-4 hrs in the library.my target is to stay from 4-8pm in the library and make the most of it.

i’m approaching naer my target gradually…… ofcourse, with some lapses. so most of my time i stay in a place where nobody can hurt me…… in my college….i have a greatest advantage with this place. the people close to me never ever tries to hurt me and the people who try hurting me… i dont give a damn, they r absolutely NOTHING to me.

i really feel relieved. if i’m not fully satisified with my world, atleast i’m not unhappy…. i’m able to smile, laugh enjoy the pleasure of living. thats what i crave for and i’ve got it!

now i want to be satisified with myself. i have a lot of SELF ESTEEM…… It means I respect myself a lot.so if there is sooo much respect……. it means i just cant have it as it comes.. i really need to earn it.

i believe in 1 thing for sure. if u want a right.. u need to take up some responsibility……. and if u r  taking up a responsibility, u have every right to demand ur genuine rights. thats how this goes. its the balance that is really significant here. and if there is any imbalance that leads to all the chaos.

now as per the importance i give to myself, i’m bound to be responsible…. bound to be worthy…. APARNA! u dont need to do a donkey’s work. work like a computer…. accurate, fast, energetic and focussed for sometime… darling! its u who is operating ur system……. ur biological system…… ur own brain. APARNA! believe me!! i’ll never let u to become hanged.(in sense of computers)

my main complaint with myself is INDISCIPLINE. Its not about breaking rules…….. its about breaking the rules repeatedly and reguilarly i set for myself when i really really do not want to.just look at urself.

• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG
• MY MIND IS STRONG

its not imposition, its an inspiration, its a determination, ITS A DECISION, A DECLARATION I MADE TO MYSELF. i’m gonna implement it this week.

all the best darling………… dawn like a beautiful morning

I’m back……..

……after 14 days! I couldn’t make it up on last sunday. even now i cant say anything except that EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE NOT GOING RIGHT. I want perfection . now about these 14 empty days…..

is it gloom or…. death??

the first 7 days were filled with negligence and reluctance…. the later 3 days were full of struggle to keep up to the expectations, an efort to be appreciated, ofcourse!! then about the dirty long last 3 days! full of frustration, distaste, sorrow, unpleasantness  ……and finally depression, a depression that can be considered to be somewhere near to the syndrome.

i dont want to speak about anything. i cant just keep quiet. i cant ignore my pain. i’m a person who believes in crying if i feel pained, not the one who tries to laugh it off. the thing is that now, i feel like running away….. running away from the situations in life, running away from myself……. running away from my own precious life. funny!does this mean that i want to die?? i dont know…… actually, i dont want to know. what!! u d0nt want to know urself! what a pity!

I’M A PERSON WHO WANT THE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. i dont want adjustments. i’ve to actually feel and enjoy every moment of my life. now i can see nothing but distress over here. what! do u think i’m an escapist? i’m NOT. but the situation, as it is projected, doesnt seem to have solutions except for 2 possible ways……. one is to change myself and the other is to change the other person involved in it.

i’ve already mentioned the self importance i give to my “SELF”. I cant change it. by the way, why should I? I wont change it. i really really love the way i am. the other person……. no she wont change, she has been with it since nearly 45 years. now she wont!

i know i cant love her. but i’m bound to. to be honest to myself i dont have the bonding affection towards her. its not my fault, perhaps, not even her fault….. or…… may be its hers! i dont know. i dont want to judge her.

i always wanted some support from her. she never cared about it. i’m a stranger to her…… a stranger who is in her family since 20 years. i cant blame her. i cant forgive her. i cant accuse her. i cant love her. she’s my mom. but still i cant feel it the way it ought to be. i cant help it. i cant change it. thats the way it always has been. its the way it always will be.

i had more than enough in every other aspect of my life. may be its not the best that i could have. but my life never let me down. i had my own self dignity and self satisfaction in every other aspect of my life. every other aspect except this!

i wanted her to understand me. she’s plain. she’s simple. she’s not open. she lives in her own world. she doesn’t bother about my pain. she doesn’t know about my discomfort. she doesn’t want to know who i am. she doesn’t accept who i am.

she’ll be nice of i crack jokes for the entire day and do all the household work for her. she’ll be happy to hell if i bring a choclate or icecream for her. thats my mom. thats her nature. she doesn’t know to stand by me when i need her the most. she doesn’t know how to soothen me when i’m tensed or depressed. she doesn’t know how to help me when i’m running out of time near my exams. actually she doesn’t know me.

she likes me when everybody praises me. she hates me when i say no to anything she wants me to do. but give me a break!! THIS IS MY LIFE. my dad taught me to leave her alone. he explained that its her nature and we have no right to change it. so i stopped expecting anything out of her. it took me a long time, though. but i learned to live with it.

i always used to wonder whether i can make her happy in her geriatrics! but i finally made it! i nursed her patiently when she had undergone a surgery recently. but the only bond was pure compassion. but now i have a clash with her again

hope this ends soon……

i want her to leave me alone. she wont. i dont know if its a big problem.i dont know even its problem or not. but i only know that i’m suffering. i want my space. i want my dignity. i want my time. i have many things to take care of. she is the one  typical andhra  house wife. But its something different in my case.

But I have many promises to keep…

and miles and miles before I sleep………

its the gist of the line in “A WAY THROUGH THE WOODS” poem by Robert Frost, i guess.

i’m actually running out of time. i want to be perfect. perfect in every topic of my subjects. now i need some assistance. i know, i can never even expect it out of her. but i really cant waste the available time at least! i want it. all of it. i cant ruin my life. i cant ruin myself. i cant ignore it if she abuses me. i cant tolerate her whims and fancies towards me.

i know its a communication gap…….. a gap that can never close. its a gape of the dirty bleeding wound, a crushing trauma to my peaceful mind.

atleast its time to make a choice. a choice between life and death. now this my decision here, I’M GONNA IGNORE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THATS SUPPOSED TO BE AN OBSTACLE IN MY JOURNEY.

I’ve recently read a quotation which sounds something like this.“Success is a journey taken up skillfully and gracefully from one failure to another.”so mine is not just a journey. its success. its success actually.  i hope now i know what i’ve to do.

all the best APARNA.

Now remember darling, THE BEST WAY TO PREDICT FUTURE IS TO INVENT IT.

This is APARNA here…….

Now here is my blog…. i dont have particular reasons for creating it. i saw my frnd creating it to let out her long hidden – unspoken feelings here…… but, i’m not the one for it. then why did i do it?? to improve my vocabulary?? funny!

now, let me introduce myself. This is APARNA here. i’m a medico….. final year. now…. there are  lots and lots of people in the world. then do u think i’m one of them? yes, i’m one of them…. the only one….. the one who is unique, the one who is original…… the one who will, someday, make a difference.

This may show my confidence, or…… overconfidence?? whatever! I do admit that I love myself very much. i believe in my reasoning, i believe in my decision, i believe in myself. thats abt me….. APARNA. ya, jotting down my name in caps shows the importance i give to myself…… for a genuine reason ofcourse…… b’coz eventhough i have very trustworthy frnz & a caring family, the longest possible companion in my lifetime would be I Me Myself… whether i love or hate myself… i have to stay with myself. so why not love myself?

i have no internal conflicts. i learnt to love myself, satisify myself. stick to my decisions and act accordingly. i take the sole responsibility of my life…. and i’m VERY VERY POSSESSIVE about my rights towards my life.

medicine is not my passion…… its my choice. My choice. its my way of living… its me. exam cannot threaten me to study….. pg is not my preference….. knowledge is not the thing that fascinates me……. what? do i look like a psycho or something! NO. I’M NOT. I’m a human… with real human instinct, with reason-polished opinions…. that usually make my decisions. i study to satisify myself. thats the basic instinct. thats what i need.

this may be a bit confusing. but this is a complex theory of simple understanding…. a complete abstract everything…. an absolute empty nothing!! haha!! i know how it feels like to read all this! i know its complex…. to ones who are near to my wavelength. i know its literally nonsense to ones who are even a bit out of  this sort of thinking stuff. but u know something! thats how I am…….. its me APARNA….. APARNA with all my virtues and vices….. failures and follies……. a perfect originality with an utterly imperfect idealism!

I’m not perfect…….

but I’m UNIQUE

I’m not famous……..

but I’m DISTINCT

I’m not extraordinary

…… but I’m SPECIAL

Thats me….. APARNA.

I decided what course suits me… i decided what profession suits me… i decided who should become my soulmate….. so all the important decisions for this age have been made…. and WITH NO REGRETS ABSOLUTELY. plans necessary wrt to these decisions have been sorted out. now i want the result! thats the final outcome. between drawing up the plan and getting the result, there are 2 catalysts…. time & implementation. Implementation demands DEDICATION, DETERMINATION & CONCENTRATION….. These 3 ingredients, if dressed with a perfect blend of SMART WORK… can make my decisions worthy… make myself worthy…. make my life happy & perfect.

This is the path I travel........

PERFECTION is a state too big to be achieved.

but somewhere in the journey towards it, i know i’ll meet what is called EXCELLENCE.

This is a small endeavor to keep the track of myself.to empty all the emotions of the previous week into this blog. to keep my head clean out of emotions. to focus on the journey all through the week. my blog reveals me to myself on every sunday…… there can be reasonings, explanations, consolations, confessions, questions, answers, doubts, decisions, suggestions, approvals…. anything and everything…… all from me to myself.

let me start the new academic year with new goals and enormous energy.

Dear APARNA, All the best.

wake up with determination……………….sleep with satisifaction.