Its not about losing vigour, neither is it about valour …. Now, I don’t know why, but I’m not even in a position of caring about either….. in fact, now I feel like I care about nothing……….. not even me aparna… who will care for me if u don’t?? this is what my soul is musing, crying and shouting.

And in an attempt to help it……. A small venture…… towards my past, my confidence… towards myself. I was sooo excited! But……. But all was gone in a blink!! Probably its not right. Past is gone…… bygones are always bygones. U cant revert it.

Then what I do?? Live with it? With this stinking scenario? No! never!! Then fight it back? thats cool na? but how?? I need some virtues I used to have….. the physical, material and EMOTIONAL. But how do I get them. They are lost………..

i feel insensitive.... to tears, insults, pain, responsibilities..... everything!

I didn’t know i would write my blog today.even after opening it i have no idea of what i would be writing. my routine has become a total chaos after i became an intern. many surprises…….. unexpected twists and turns. i don’t even understand where to look…… to look back or look forward. before i decide anything, my surroundings are swirling around. I’m dizzy! its not that kind of dizziness that usually lingers around the state of extreme happiness…. the ecstasy. no,its not that. i don’t mean to say I’m amidst the deep river of melancholy. as to now, I’m there… just there…. like a rock at the bank of the stream. watching the stream move… its every tide.. every smooth comforting wave… every rough blow… absorbing all the memories as imprints. not that I’m stable as i seem to look from the stream. every wave is consuming me, taking a part of me into them, slowly merging me into them. the stream I’m referring to is life and the rock is me.

the state in which I’m present is that I’m not responding to the events around me…….. or rather responding too much about them, many of them, it might be very fast and to stay in a feeling that i regenerated myself is becoming impossible. everything is seeming to consume me. i don’t blame consumption. i love to be consumed….. consumed by many things… each single thing which has my passion! thats important to me. and now I’m getting consumed by the lofty hill of insignificant scum flooded with a gale of senseless scab. all this garbage is hiding my precious rubies. my targets… the opted ultimate result of my passion.

another complaint with me presently is excessive musing. Aparna, i know you are suffering. its me and me alone who can sense your whole spectrum of suffering and its becoming out of bounds these days. this is leading to unnecessary fussing, frustration and complaining nature. THATS ENOUGH. thats not you. thats not APARNA.

my passion is TO SETTLE. settle financially, emotionally and of course physically. this particular sentence doesn’t make sense to others. i know. but i also know that it means a lot to u.

CONCENTRATE APARNA. CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE ON YOUR GOAL. YOUR PASSION.

other things ignored. decision made

to APARNA everything is possible. goal is large but my will is just MIGHTY.

“I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I’M DOING IT.”

Why should people feel bad when I prosper , no not prosper indeed, just happy. When I just feel happy. I don’t know how it started, WHEN AND MOST IMPORTANTLY WHY? WHY? WHY?

I thought its immaturity when I faced it in high school. It was my proud thought that I was more superior, clear and mature than my class people. This, this bloody hell has been haunting me eversince and it seems to be never ending. Why should I be the victim of all the millions….

May be my suffering wasn’t enough. All those days I wept till I slept, till my nerves ached, till my body weakened to catch a fever….. may be all the suffering has got masked with my silly intuition saying that I’m above all this chaos. May be my belief that my hand picked friends and my dear family would shield me from this hopeless world has atlast proved to be a mere fantasy.

Now I’m happy to state that’s even my mom feels bad to see me happy. May be I’m destined to be miserable and denying it is making all the ripples.

Is that true daddy? Am I brought into this world to be miserable for a lifetime?? Is that the real meaning of my insignificant existence?

this…….. i can no longer depict or atleast conceive

it was a draft written long back. the reason for leaving it undone is because its more than complicated to illustrate that constellation of thoughts. they were intense, they were vigorous and they were pungent

there’s no problem with the above mentioned friend, there’s no problem with the world, there’s no problem with any other soul in the world……. any other soul except mine…… my soul…. the core of my existence!!! there were strong fumes of repulsion and hatred. i’m happy atleast I’m out of it now.

I'm totally abandoned... even by death!!

“abandoned by hope, gloom and even doom. my very soul has already left me”

this is a draft after the exams. i knew what i ought to write…… but these feeling….  these feelings are strange little tricky things that can alter the worlds!! at that moment they overburdened and in fact, overwhelmed me……. and then, i just stood still…… if my conscience hurts and blames me sooo extremely my dear intellect stayed still to freeze the moment….. afterall it had prevented the collapse of my frame those cruel moments of stress and turmoil!!

this has prevented me to jot down the inner me when i wanted to do it sooo badly. anyway, its a strong emotion and atleast its traces are worth recording.

this picture is devoted to my soul

now i wanna scribble a lot. it has been days together i was postponing this. the first event is obviously the exams. exams! exams! exams!!  and its because & only because of him that I’ve passed. i knew he accepts me as a whole. but this is pretty much more than that.

he has lead me all through my pains. he bore all those storms of my outbursts & yet! and yet he didnot complain!! and when i pointed this to him he says its not a problem!! is that so? may be…. and may not be…… but what he has done is not because of the youthful infatuation but a mature commitment. i knew that would be so 3yrs back when we were attached to each other. but still, i didn’t know that this would move me so much.

“u moved so slowly & noiselessly into my life and filled the previously imperceptible void so wholly so neatly….. just like the the air and now my dear soulmate! i can feel u moving around me like a refreshing breeze, i can feel u getting into me like mild fragrance of tender lavenders, i can feel u all through me in the form of oxygen. now my dear, i owe u something. the only thing that i can give in full, which contains ‘me’ entirely and no one else. its not my life darling, its ME. i know u’ll accept me as i am. now i give u myself…… my soul, my thought, my possessions. i give u myself with all my aroma – the fragrance and pungency, all my color – the brighter and darker shades, all my texture – the smoothness and roughness, all my ornaments – the gems and junk. i give u myself wholly and completely – take all my precious virtues and dont forget the vile vices in me. i can give u all this and only this, but as i always say, my soulmate! it might be a boon as well as a curse, i might be a mascot or jinx……. but i know u want me…. and now i give u everything in me. i promise u, if i ever have a man in my life it would be u and only u…… my man…… my soulmate.“

I PROMISE

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

i feel exactly the same…….just as the picture shows. i hate feeling as THE GIRL IN THE CASE. i wanna come out of it. i dont want this stressed out situation in life. i dont want to be under the same roof with two people who always make my heart sink. I HATE THEM.  but i dont want to. i dont want to bother about them. i want to accept the fact that they are born like that. but it always hurts me. i love my dad. i wanna stay with him. but i dont want these 2 people in my life. i wanna quit them. i cant do both. for me being mentally healthy, i need to leave this roof as early as possible ( for which i’ve already made some arrangements) so i lost the precious chance of being with my dear dear dad. even after this i cant quit them. whenever i meet my dad i need to go to the place where these people live. i just hate it!! but couldnt solve it……. couldnt avoid it……. couldnt come out of it……….

i have an exam tomorrow & this is the state of my mind now. this has been continuing almost since 3-4 hrs. and this is the reason i hate her……..